Love Is Weakness
by sinisterkid92
Summary: "Curiosity didn't kill the cat this time, it killed the whole litter, and satisfaction wouldn't bring them back." Post-ep of 8x02, spoilers obviously. Kate dealing with the emotional aftermath of her decision.


She was weak. Emotions were thunder in her chest, bursting live wires up to her head, throbbing with the dehydration of tears. Hours had passed, and her phone buzzed on the bed next to her. Messages and voice messages that all were confused, tinged with hurt and despair. Her thumb wavered over the green button, her heart begging her to answer. Yet each time the image of her old partner appeared as a ghost next to her.

It wasn't about satisfaction. There were things she could let be, forbidden and selfish desires that cluttered her brain like alluring sins beckoning her to give in. This was not that. The echo of the voice of Hunt's wife was a punishing mantra in her head. The depth of Bracken's corruption had seemingly already found an end, the bottom of the shameful parts of this humanity reached. This time the bottom was deeper, and she was gasping for breath and purchase, straining against the current that shattered her motivation.

Out there was the person responsible for the deaths her deprivation of justice had caused. Curiosity didn't kill the cat this time, it killed the whole litter, and satisfaction wouldn't bring them back. How could she ever let the person responsible get away with this if her refusal to let Bracket do that was why they were dead? The hypocrisy and selfishness of that was the bile that threatened in her throat before she packed her bag and made her decision.

Loving Castle would get him killed, even if he were willing to risk his life, how could she ever justify that to Alexis? One year ago the girl was grieving, some moments a blubbering mess of tears and grief other times focused and driven, determinate to live in honor of her father, but not consumed by him. A sob wrecked her own body at the stab of longing for her husband and their life, for the fight to end up here, in this place. One day she knew it would be safe for his arms to wrap around her again, for his lips to kiss her, and for the two of them to love, but that one day might be too late. The suffocation of the early days after her mother's murder was close to this vacuum that was created inside of her. A blackhole that sucked her in while her heart desperately tried to cling to hope.

A part of her wished, for the blink of a second, that she had never met Castle. That his life hadn't been tangled up in hers, that she hadn't been thawed by the warmth of his smile, learnt of love felt like an oasis in a desert, and how everything made sense with him. That he hadn't falled for her, so that he would be safe. If he hadn't met her than the target on his back wouldn't be there. If he hadn't met her then she wouldn't have had to break his heart to keep him away from the sniper's sight. But too big of a part didn't regret it, not even a slightest bit. To have heard his laughter, shared his pain, and found the burst of clarity in his embrace was what gave life meaning. Yet, it wasn't enough, not even close.

He tore her between two right decisions. But she was a cop, she was an avenger, justice seeker, a hunter. While she wanted to be a wife first, she wasn't. In her marrow she was this, she was the person the dead could count on to give them a voice. It killed her that she couldn't let this go, killed her that her legacy in this world was to always be afraid. Ingrained in her DNA was the fear, and she wondered if her mother knew how deep her digging would take her family. The sudden unbearable grief and longing for her mother hit her in the gut, blowing a second punch next to the bruising that belonged to Castle. The third scar on her chest pulled with the heaving sobs as anger, sadness, grief, and longing mixed. Life tasted of salt and saliva, and the phone buzzed again, and again, and again.

 _I'm not going anywhere. I love you._

The text message lit up her screen, and she wished to be able to reply back that it was just for that reason why she needed to leave. He was a father before he was her partner, his life was precious to more than her. If he knew he would dive in head first, and this time she couldn't let him. This time it was different. This time she had the chance of protecting him.

The silence of the phone was louder than the buzzing. In her mind she was lying next to him touching his face as he slept serenely. The air underneath her fingertips was heavy of his absence.

She prayed that she could spare him this time.

* * *

 **For anyone waiting for Brick Walls to be updated: I'm working on it, but it's currently on hiatus. This one was begging to be written by sleep-deprived me yesterday. Written in one go and without pausing, so it's on that level. Hope you liked it.**


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